


would have, could have, should have, didn't

by orphan_account



Series: my fics [7]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Author Wants A Girlfriend, F/F, Minor Chou Tzuyu/Myoui Mina, Unrequited Love, but shh you're not supposed to see that yet, flashbacks should be in past tense but i hate past tense, i found this in my drafts one day and realized whoops i should post it, projecting i'm projecting, seriously there's so much angst, so! present tense flashbacks!, this was written to make you Hurt and it shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 23:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20983859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “How long have you been in love with her?” Tzuyu asks from over Mina’s shoulder.Mina sighs and fixes a stitch. “Does it matter?”





	would have, could have, should have, didn't

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy this and please suffer, i should have posted this a Lot sooner bc it's been festering but oh well  
title from see u later by blackpink

“How long have you been in love with her?” Tzuyu asks from over Mina’s shoulder. She’s knitting a penguin hat for her aunt’s new baby and startles, nearly dropping a needle. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mina denies, rather unconvincingly. “In love with who, again?”

Tzuyu gives her a Look. “Mina. I’ve seen the way you look at Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung. Like you love them and envy them at the same time.”

Mina sighs and fixes a stitch. “Does it matter?”

“It matters to me,” says Tzuyu. The other members are out on a shopping trip. It’s just the two of them and there’s still time. “I want to know, unnie. It’s never too late.”

Mina sighs again. Instead of a swear jar for Nayeon like she’s been threatening, Jihyo should start a sigh jar for Mina. She’d be poor in no time. “It started before we were trainees…”

-

The first time Mina meets Chaeyoung, it’s in an empty gym. Mina has been practicing her dancing for her tryout, and she doesn’t expect anyone else to be here so late at night.

She’s just finished a trial routine, the music still echoing, when someone claps. Mina whirls around to see a girl who looks slightly younger than her sitting on top of the rock climbing wall with a sketchbook. She opens her mouth to say something, but the mysterious girl gets there first. “You’re a really good dancer,” she says. “I’m sorry for watching.”

Mina’s still on edge. “Are you practicing for tryouts too?”

She shakes her head. “No, I’m just sketching to relax. You’re trying out?” When Mina nods, she says, “Me too. I’m Chaeyoung.”

“Mina,” she says. “I don’t think it’s safe to be all the way up there.”

Chaeyoung shrugs. “Probably not.” She considers for a minute, then tosses her sketchbook down. “Catch!”

Only Mina’s reflexes save her, and she manages to grab the book before it hits the floor. She can’t resist looking at the page open. It’s a drawing of a girl-  _ her _ , it’s a drawing of Mina- in a white gown, whirling across a polished stage with arms out. Drawing-Mina looks remarkably at peace, the opposite of how real-Mina has been feeling later. 

Chaeyoung has reached the floor in the time it takes Mina to stop staring at the drawing. “Do you like it?”

“Yes,” says Mina before she can think about it much. “It’s beautiful.”

Chaeyoung takes the book back and carefully rips out the page. “Then keep it.” Mina feels the faint press of Chaeyoung’s fingers on her own, then the sudden warmth is gone. Mina is feeling something, and although she doesn’t know what it is yet, she knows that she likes it a bit more than she should.

“Thank you,” Mina says softly.

Chaeyoung smiles at her. “Anything for my muse,” she teases. “I should go. It’s late.”

She’s halfway out the door before Mina, heart pounding, gets the courage to call to her. “Chaeyoung? Good luck with tryouts.”   
-

“So it’s Chaeyoung,” Tzuyu muses when Mina stops to take a sip of water. “I always thought it was Jeongyeon, you know? The way you look at her.”

“It is Jeongyeon,” Mina admits. “It’s just… also Chaeyoung.”

Tzuyu looks at Mina for a long minute before nodding. “Yeah. I see.”

-

Mina’s first real conversation with Jeongyeon is very different.

The winners of Sixteen have been announced, and they’re preparing for debut. Jihyo insists on a team-building exercise to help them get to know each other and rid them of any lingering bad feelings, and Nayeon insists on doing something exciting, so they compromise on a zipline course.

Because of course they do.

Both Mina and Momo are afraid of heights, but Jihyo persuades them to do ‘at least one thing’, so they decide on a teamwork challenge where they have to help their partner across a bridge. Mina looks for Sana, ever the fearless, immediately, but Momo has insisted on partnering with her- probably bribing herself with the opportunity to see Sana stumble. Her next choice is Chaeyoung, but the babies have volunteered to be the group of three already. So when she turns around to see Nayeon and Jihyo already partnered, she’s left with Jeongyeon, who she barely knows. Jeongyeon, who doesn’t look too pleased about it either.

They make it through the first part without much difficulty, but when it comes to the last challenge- a small wooden plank where they have to hold hands and rely on gravity to keep them balanced- they slip up. Jeongyeon’s hands are hot and a bit sweaty from the exercise, but she tells Mina before they’re halfway across that “your hands are freezing, I can’t concentrate.”

“It’s just cold out,” Mina argues. “I can put on a glove if it’s really bothering you that much.”

“Yes, please,” Jeongyeon says. “One hand at a time. I don’t want us to fall.”

Mina rolls her eyes and extricates one hand, fishing in her pocket for her gloves. The sudden movement is too much, and it leaves a lot of pressure on their remaining hands.

They’ve never been sure who let go first. Jeongyeon insists that it was Mina- Mina insists that it was Jeongyeon. Either way, they both end up falling off the wooden plank, dangling off their safety lines like fish on a hook.

And then the arguing begins.

-

“I remember that,” Tzuyu says. “The rest of us thought it was really funny.”

Mina frowns. “I still think it was Jeongyeon’s fault. She’s the one who made me put on gloves.”

“But you’re the one who agreed,” Tzuyu points out. “Anyway, I don’t see how this is a meet-cute.”

Mina pokes Tzuyu with a knitting needle. “Quiet. Story’s not over.”   
-

Mina planned to just sit out for the rest of the day and watch the rest of Twice make fools of themselves. Jihyo gets both her and Momo hot chocolate, so they sit down on a log. Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung do the next partner challenge, high-five each other when they get off the zipline, and spend the rest of the day nearly attached at the hip. The burning feeling in Mina’s stomach just increases as she watches them laugh and intertwine their hands, but she’s not sure what it is. Jealousy, maybe? But of what? Who gets jealous over friends?

(Looking back on it, Mina isn’t sure who she’d been jealous of. She’s not sure it matters, either.)

When it gets to the last challenge, Mina’s discomfort has reached its peak. The last challenge is called a leap of faith- where they have to climb to the top of a ten-meter pole and jump from it, aiming for the trapeze in the center of the clearing. Everyone seems a little intimidated by that, and the instructor waits expectantly for them to decide who should go first.

Mina doesn’t know why she does it, but as she looks at Chaeyoung’s nervous face, something solidifies in her. “I’ll go,” she says, raising her hand.

Momo gasps, audibly. “Mina! I thought you didn’t like heights? Are you sure?”

“Yes,” says Mina with a confidence she doesn’t feel. “I’m happy to try it out.”

The instructor raises an eyebrow, and over the clamoring of protests from the rest of Twice that Mina really shouldn’t do it if she doesn’t want to, fits Mina with a safety harness and gives her instructions. Before she has time to question any of it, she starts to climb.

Apparently, ten meters is higher than it seems. About halfway through, Mina’s foot slips and she feels a dizzying rush of utter terror.

Jeongyeon’s smile at Chaeyoung from before, soft and tender, flashes in her mind. Why is she thinking about Jeongyeon?

Gritting her teeth, Mina continues to climb. She is doing this to impress Chaeyoung, not Jeongyeon. Never Jeongyeon.

(She resolves to make up with Jeongyeon once she gets back down. They should be friends despite everything, she decides. Definitely not thinking of that pretty smile at all.)

She reaches the top faster after that, and stares down at her members and friends. A sharp twinge of affection for all of them overcomes her, and she waves. Sana cheers, something that sounds like  _ go Mina _ , and Dahyun and Nayeon are quick to join in.

Mina smiles back, and she jumps.

(She realizes something when she’s cuddling with Momo, who’d been terrified for her safety, on the bus ride home. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?” she mutters.

Momo flicks her nose. “Language, Minari!” Her best friend smiles at her, not serious at all. “Yeah. Yeah, you are.”)

-

Tzuyu has somehow magically produced a cup of tea in the time it took Mina to finish her story. “Is that when you figured out that you, you know…”

“Liked girls?” Mina finishes, and Tzuyu nods. “It took me a while. I was in denial for… a lot of it. Then Sana came out to us, and I realized  _ oh, this makes sense. _ ”

Tzuyu looks thoughtful. “Mina unnie, it’s really okay? To like boys and girls?”

“I do,” Mina says, “and I’m okay. Mostly. You know we’re all here for you, Tzuyu.”

Tzuyu hesitates. Mina hopes she’s going to say something.

She doesn’t.

-

According to Nayeon, there had been a bet about which of the members would start dating first. Most of the bets had been on Jihyo, so it was a surprise when Chaeyoung sat everyone down and took a deep breath. “I’m dating someone,” she says.

The prickle in Mina’s heart almost surprises her, but she’s used to it by now. She’s accepted her feelings for both Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung, but that doesn’t mean she’s ever going to do something about them. She’d decided long ago- it would just cause too much trouble. It’s not worth it.

And maybe Mina is a coward, but that’s not really relevant. 

But it still hurts. It’s always going to hurt.

( _ There’s still Jeongyeon _ , a voice in the corner of her head whispers. Mina hates thinking of Jeongyeon as a second-choice anything, so she dismisses it. She wants both of them, but she can’t have either. Making it easier for herself by settling for chasing after just one hurts.)

Sana claps. Mina isn’t sure why. “Who is it, Chaeng?”

Chaeyoung takes a deep breath. “She’s a girl.”

The room’s atmosphere doesn’t change. When Sana had come out to them, it had taken some of them- namely Dahyun- a bit to accept it, and Jihyo, being Jihyo, had insisted on a workshop about inclusivity. They were all used to girls liking girls now, and Chaeyoung… was not subtle.

“We figured,” Nayeon supplied, summing up their thoughts rather neatly. “Do we know her?”

Chaeyoung looks absolutely terrified, until Jeongyeon stands up and puts an arm around her shoulder, whispering something comforting into her ear. “Yeah,” Jeongyeon says when she’s done hugging Chaeyoung. “You do.”

Mina catches onto the subtext faster than anyone else, maybe because it’s what she’s feared for so long.

And it breaks her heart into a million pieces.

She can’t let it show. Not now, not later, not ever.

-

Tzuyu sips her tea. “You could have asked one of them out before,” she says. “They both… they both looked like they would have said yes.”

Curse Tzuyu and her utter lack of tact. “But I didn’t,” Mina says shortly. “It’s too late.”

“There’s this thing called polyamory,” Tzuyu says. “It’s where multiple people are dating each other at the same time. You could talk to them about that.”

Mina laughs, sharp and harsh and clipped. “They only have eyes for each other. I appreciate the fact that you’re trying, Tzuyu, but it’s fine. I’ve been fine for three years now.”

Tzuyu is silent for a moment before she says, oddly fragile, “Mina, you’re not supposed to give up on love. Remember our What is Love music video? None of those characters gave up.”

“Because they were loved back,” Mina says. Tzuyu is silent, so she continues. “I requested a white dress for our next comeback around Fancy. I hoped Chaeyoung would remember. I requested a forest like the one we’d been ziplining in. All misty and dark. I hoped Jeongyeon would remember. And then over the summer, I found out that they were in love. And all I had left were the scraps of memories only I cared about. I’m not a heroine in some romance novel, Tzuyu. I’m just a sad girl who doesn’t have a chance, and I can live with that.”

“Everyone is a heroine,” Tzuyu says in the silence left behind. “I guess we’re just not in movies where we get happy endings.”

“We?” Mina asks. “I hope it’s not too late for you, too.”

Tzuyu looks at her tea. It’s almost gone. “I fell in love with a girl,” she says slowly. “She had black hair when I first met her, but it’s been a few other colors since then. She has a mole on the side of her nose. She’s beautiful, and smart, and funny. But she thought she loved people who didn’t love her back. She was wrong, though. I heard them talking a few months ago. About how they both loved her. They agreed not to stand in each other’s way, but when it became clear that she wasn’t going to do anything, they realized that they’d fallen in love with each other along the way. Even when this beautiful girl learned that she had a chance, she wasn’t going to do anything. And she wouldn’t love me back.” 

Mina looks at Tzuyu. Remarkably, she’s not tearing up. “Tzuyu-” she starts, but Tzuyu continues.

“The people you love teach you things, you know that, Mina unnie?” Tzuyu says. “I guess you taught me not to do anything about my feelings. I’ll be okay, though. The future of Twice is more important than pining after someone who doesn’t know how to make a move or let go.”

She’s throwing Mina’s own arguments against her. Mina feels dizzy. 

They sit in silence. Finally, Mina opens her mouth. “How long?” she asks.

Tzuyu looks at her and shrugs. “Does it matter?”

The words  _ it matters to me _ are caught on the tip of Mina’s tongue.

She can’t make herself say them. She’s afraid that they might be a lie.

Myoui Mina closes her mouth and returns to knitting. Ignoring the feelings whirling through her head. Because it’s easy. Because it’s the only thing she feels like she can do.

Because she’s used to it.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to leave comments or whatever, they make my day!


End file.
